My Miscarriage Story

Several weeks ago I read a story about miscarriage in an old issue of Parents magazine and I realized that I’d never written down the story of my miscarriage and maybe I should.

In 2012 found out I was pregnant with our first child. We were trying to start a family so we were excited and immediately told our moms, but told them to wait to tell anyone else. I went to my doctor to confirm. She confirmed it and determined from my last period that I was about 5 weeks along.

The next morning, I started bleeding and called my doctor’s office and was told to come in. A different doctor confirmed that my pregnancy hormones were not where they should be for how far along I was and that I probably had a miscarriage. She had no idea why I miscarried. I cried my eyes out right there in the office because I had already started to imagine having a baby in time for Christmas that year. The doctor referred me to an OB for follow-up.

The OB did some testing and determined that I had not fully miscarried, but the fetus was probably not viable and would not result in a full-term baby. For the next few months I had two blood tests two days apart probably once a week because that is the only way to accurately test pregnancy hormones. I hate needles now because of this experience.

My husband and I hadn’t lived in our current town for very long so we didn’t have many friends and all our family lives far away. I felt so alone and the blood tests kept reminding me that I probably wasn’t going to have a baby at the end of this. My husband tried to understand why this was so sad for me and what I going through, but he couldn’t truly understand. The only couple we knew at the time were also trying to start a family and she became pregnant around the same time I did, but her pregnancy went to term and mine didn’t. I tried to and wanted to be happy for her, but her growing belly was a constant, painful reminder.

I celebrated my 30th birthday shortly after the blood tests started and it was probably the saddest birthday I’ve ever had. I asked my OB if I could have a glass of wine with dinner. She said that she still wanted me to conduct myself as if I was pregnant since I was technically pregnant, but that one glass of wine would be ok. My husband and I enjoyed a nice dinner, but I was really sad.

Toward the end of summer (after months of blood tests) my OB scheduled a dilation & curettage (D&C)* to remove what was left. A day or two before the procedure I started bleeding and cancelled the surgery in case that the bleeding had flushed my body; It hadn’t. Another D&C was scheduled and again, a couple days before it I started bleeding. This time my body had flushed everything out and I was officially no longer pregnant.

I was told to wait two normal cycles before we could start trying. When I’d had two normal cycles around the middle of fall we started trying again, but with no luck. I wasn’t tracking my ovulation because I was afraid I would fixate on it and I was afraid that I might have another miscarriage. But finally my husband said he thought we should start tracking my ovulation so we would have a better chance. We did and got pregnant pretty quickly after that. I found out I was pregnant again in the middle of February. I was still really worried I would miscarry so we waited a little longer to tell people. At my 7-week ultrasound when I heard the heartbeat for the first time, I was so relieved that I started crying.

Today we have two healthy kids born in 2013 and 2016; I didn’t have any more miscarriages.

I hope sharing my story has shown you that you are not alone in this and I hope it encourages you to open up about your experience. Since this happened I’ve talked to lots of women who have had miscarriages. I had no idea so many women went through this until I started talking about it.

To those who have not been through this, when someone tells you they had a miscarriage don’t say “Oh, you can try again”. That’s not helpful. Just say “I’m sorry”. Because we are grieving a loss and just need you to acknowledge our loss and let us tell you about it.


* Dilation and curettage (D&C) is a brief surgical procedure in which the cervix is dilated and a special instrument is used to scrape the uterine lining. A D&C is used to remove tissue in the uterus during or after a miscarriage or abortion or to remove small pieces of placenta after childbirth. This helps prevent infection or heavy bleeding.


“D and C (Dilation and Curettage).” WebMD, 17 Oct. 2016, // Accessed 9 Oct. 2018.


However you feed your baby is great

A few days ago I read an article about a mom who decided to stop feeling guilty about feeding formula to her child. I’m thrilled to read more articles about this because what matters is that your child is fed, not how they are fed. Moms should not feel shame or guilt for feeding their child no matter how they do it or why that decision was made. And others in our society – other moms, strangers – do not have a say in how we feed our child – or parent our child, for that matter.

What is it about a woman being pregnant or having a baby that makes strangers feel they have the right to question our parenting decisions? Though other moms are guilty of this too and to you I say, what you decide to do for your family is your decision and the right one for your family, but that does not make it the right way for everyone or the only way. Each person makes the decision for their family (or the decision is made for you if you are unable to breastfeed for one reason or another) and thankfully, we have healthy drinking water and quality formula we can feed our children instead (or in addition to breastfeeding).

I am really excited about the work the Fed is Best Foundation is doing as they advocate for mothers and train hospital personnel to recognize the signs that a baby is not getting enough to eat through breastfeeding and needs formula.

Personally, I breastfed both my children for a few to several months and substituted formula at points so I could get a break and I was so glad for that. My oldest was having mostly formula and then bit me and so I decided that was enough and my youngest lost interest as my supply decreased. So we left that stage behind, but that gave me more freedom and flexibility, though I did feel a little sad that stage was over.

Parenting, Uncategorized

My Baby is Growing Up

Now that my youngest is 18 months and growing up, I get a longing every time I see a little baby, knowing that each milestone my daughter (my youngest) reaches will be the last time I experience it. A friend of mine told me that I would feel this way when my youngest turned a year and she was right. I am sure I only want two kids, but there is a newborn on our flight that is crying at points and I just want to hold the baby. Both to help the parents and because I want to hold a newborn. Though I think that will upset my son who is trying to nap on me.

Sometimes I feel like biology is unfair – that it makes us long for another baby even after we’re sure our family is complete. Though I guess that biology and the smell of your children’s heads also makes you love them more than anything you’ve ever loved in your life so it’s not all bad.

Sadly, I write this on my flight home from my grandma’s funeral. My son and I flew to Chicago for four days to attend the funeral and spend time with family. (My son stayed with his other grandma during the funeral though he understood that my grandma was gone.) My daughter stayed in Seattle with my husband so I didn’t have to bring her, which I was grateful for, and they got to have some daddy-daughter time.

I was told that seeing her grandchildren grow up through photos and videos I emailed and posted on Facebook was the highlight of the last few years of my grandma’s life and that made me so tearful and happy. My grandma had also gotten to see them both last year when she celebrated her 90th birthday.

I’m glad to know that she is with grandpa and is at peace.